Evaluating Pet Sitters / Others
Deciding who to leave your pets with can be very confusing. Fortunately, I've come up with a quick way to evaluate potential caretakers.
Each person needs to be evaluated on two dimension.
Fortunately, both of these can be evaluated by knowing only one fact about the person - their religion. Simply consult the table below to find their Rapture Index and Reliability Index and use the following formula.
Suitability Index = Reliability Index * (100 - Rapture Index)
You should try to get several people lined up with high Suitability Indexes, but for different reasons. For example, you could get an Atheist and a Baptist.
Religion | RaptureIndex | Reliability Index | Comments |
Atheist | 0 | 90 | Not going to be Raptured. Will probably think the whole thing is an alien abduction. Ask to see PETA membership card. |
Buddhist | 0 | 30 | Many Buddhists are Asian and could consider dogs/cats to be 'game'. |
Hindu | 0 | 90 | Unlikely to eat pet. It could be reincarnated uncle. |
Mormon | 20 | 70 | 'Extended Family' makes pet care easy! |
Catholic | 30 | 70 | Guilt based reliability. Won't be Raptured unless Pope says it's okay. |
Jewish | 0/50 | 80 | First number is for Reformed. Second is for Orthodox. Both have practices 'guilt based' reliability for thousands of years longer than Catholic |
Baptist | 60 | 50 | Probably will get Raptured, and probably would take care of your pet. |
First Baptist | 70 | 50 | More likely to be Raptured. May accidentally drown pet at mass baptism. |
Southern Baptist | 80 | 40 | Pretty likely to be Raptured. Will write strong letter to congressman if not. Could take frustration out on pet. |
Pentecostal | 90/100 | 30/0/100 | First number is standard Pentecostal. Second is for snake handling version. The third number is for if you pet is a snake, and they are snake handlers |
Satanist | 0 | 0 | Not going to be Raptured under any circumstances. Will be very busy with 'Tribulation' parties. You probably don't want your pet going to one of those. |