Evaluating Pet Sitters / Others
Deciding who to leave your pets with can be very confusing. Fortunately, I've come up with a quick way to evaluate potential caretakers.
Each person needs to be evaluated on two dimension.
Fortunately, both of these can be evaluated by knowing only one fact about the person - their religion. Simply consult the table below to find their Rapture Index and Reliability Index and use the following formula.
Suitability Index = Reliability Index * (100 - Rapture Index)
You should try to get several people lined up with high Suitability Indexes, but for different reasons. For example, you could get an Atheist and a Baptist.
|Atheist||0||90||Not going to be Raptured. Will probably think the whole thing is an alien abduction. Ask to see PETA membership card.|
|Buddhist||0||30||Many Buddhists are Asian and could consider dogs/cats to be 'game'.|
|Hindu||0||90||Unlikely to eat pet. It could be reincarnated uncle.|
|Mormon||20||70||'Extended Family' makes pet care easy!|
|Catholic||30||70||Guilt based reliability. Won't be Raptured unless Pope says it's okay.|
|Jewish||0/50||80||First number is for Reformed. Second is for Orthodox. Both have practices 'guilt based' reliability for thousands of years longer than Catholic|
|Baptist||60||50||Probably will get Raptured, and probably would take care of your pet.|
|First Baptist||70||50||More likely to be Raptured. May accidentally drown pet at mass baptism.|
|Southern Baptist||80||40||Pretty likely to be Raptured. Will write strong letter to congressman if not. Could take frustration out on pet.|
|Pentecostal||90/100||30/0/100||First number is standard Pentecostal. Second is for snake handling version. The third number is for if you pet is a snake, and they are snake handlers|
|Satanist||0||0||Not going to be Raptured under any circumstances. Will be very busy with 'Tribulation' parties. You probably don't want your pet going to one of those.|