Evaluating Pet Sitters / Others


Deciding who to leave your pets with can be very confusing.  Fortunately, I've come up with a quick way to evaluate potential caretakers.

Each person needs to be evaluated on two dimension.

  1. Rapture Index
  2. Reliability Index

Fortunately, both of these can be evaluated by knowing only one fact about the person - their religion.  Simply consult the table below to find their Rapture Index and Reliability Index and use the following formula.

Suitability Index = Reliability Index * (100 - Rapture Index)

You should try to get several  people lined up with high Suitability Indexes, but for different reasons. For example, you could get an Atheist and a Baptist.


Religion RaptureIndex Reliability Index Comments
Atheist 0 90 Not going to be Raptured.  Will probably think the whole thing is an alien abduction.  Ask to see PETA membership card.
Buddhist 0 30 Many Buddhists are Asian and could consider dogs/cats to be 'game'.
Hindu 0 90 Unlikely to eat pet.  It could be reincarnated uncle.
Mormon 20 70 'Extended Family' makes pet care easy!
Catholic 30 70 Guilt based reliability.  Won't be Raptured unless Pope says it's okay.
Jewish 0/50 80 First number is for Reformed.  Second is for Orthodox.  Both have practices 'guilt based' reliability for thousands of years longer than Catholic
Baptist 60 50 Probably will get Raptured, and probably would take care of your pet.
First Baptist 70 50 More likely to be Raptured.  May accidentally drown pet at mass baptism.
Southern Baptist 80 40 Pretty likely to be Raptured.  Will write strong letter to congressman if not.  Could take frustration out on pet.
Pentecostal 90/100 30/0/100 First number is standard Pentecostal.  Second is for snake handling version.  The third number is for if you pet is a snake, and they are snake handlers
Satanist 0 0 Not going to be Raptured under any circumstances.  Will be very busy with 'Tribulation' parties.  You probably don't want your pet going to one of those.